It is Time

 So I have been rambling on and on about being real and taking the next step in my life. I’ve been talking about being vulnerable, truthful and risking rejection. Well, its time now. Its not going to happen here on the blog, but I am stepping out and starting to write a book. I started it a while ago, and now I’m really diving into it. I think its the best way to help people. I think its the best way I tell people what God has done in my life.

So I’m stepping out there and I’m writing a book. I’m scared to death. I’m afraid of rejection. I’m afraid of what people will think. I do know that God is opening up doors in this way for me, and its about time for me to walk through it.

I was talking to this girl the other day about writing a different type of book. A book about women’s stories here in Korea and she really discouraged me. She talked about how I needed to make sure the stories of certain women were true because people lie when they tell stories. She said I needed to make sure to check my sources because since I would be published it would be my responsibility to make sure no one was lying. That I wouldn’t want to have a reputation as being dishonest and not be a credible author. I’m not one to easily get discouraged at all. When people say things like that to me I tend to rally up and try to prove them wrong. She was right…if I was writing a historical novel. She would be right if I was trying to uncover some terrible truth and I was trying to raise awareness on a particular issue. But not with people’s stories. The book is just people’s stories, if they lie about their life I feel as though that it will be between them and God if they lie. I have no sources, I’m just letting people tell their stories and publishing it. If someone is skeptical and judgmental enough about reading real women’s stories they don’t have to read the book. It started making me think if people are going to believe me when I tell my story one day. Well, thats a risk I’m going to take. If someone doesn’t believe me, oh well. Its my story.

There will always be people in your life that discourage you but they don’t mean to. You should always weigh there judgements and decide for yourself what you should do. Take what you can from them but don’t let fear stop you from doing what you think you should do and what God is telling you to do.

Tell your story. Write your story. Don’t be afraid of rejection and judgements.

Uncomfortable couples

So I have been noticing how people treat me when I’m with Stephen and when I am by myself. Most of my observations are when I am traveling with my husband or when I’m traveling by myself. When I first came to Korea I went everywhere with Stephen because I was scared to go anywhere by myself. I hated going out even with him because many of the Koreans were rude, cold and uncomfortable acting. So I hated going out and I wouldn’t go out on my own at all.

The last three months or so I have been traveling many places on my own, either trying to find good photography inspiration or to visit a friend. I find that on my own many more people are comfortable with me, friendly and comfortable! The total opposite! Taxi cabs talk to me, little old Korean ladies smile and try to talk to me. Its such a funny difference. It got me thinking about the culture and even back home.

Remember how some couples were just uncomfortable to be around? The ones who were all over each other, gazing into each other’s eyes and giving cute little kisses. I think this is precious, but not when I’m the third wheel. Come on. I remember some couples as well that would act differently around each other than they would individually. I never understood that. So I would be walking on egg shells around the both of them and that just wasn’t cool.

Now I have to admit I probably did act like these couples some time in my life and I give my apologies for those uncomfortable situations. So maybe Korea feels like that with Stephen and I. I know that Koreans are naturally more reserved physically except with the same sex, so I can see how that an American couple can make Koreans feel weird. Overall I find this very interesting.

Seasonal Friends vs. Lifelong Friends

I have always had a lot of friends at one time. I’m an outgoing person with a goofy fun personality (for the most part). I love just being around people. I look back to my high school and college life and think about all the friends I have had. I have had a lot of seasonal friends, and I don’t know if I will have lifelong friends. Well my husband will be my lifelong friends but I have always dreamed of having a group of girls who just wanted to go out together and change the world. Kind of a sex and the city relationship but Christian style!

It all started yesterday when I was going over compound adjectives with my class. One of them was lifelong. And this morning I woke up to one of my friends from college letting me know she can’t come to my wedding. It was hurtful, I hadn’t been invited to her wedding either. There was another friend who didn’t invite me to her wedding as well and we all were really close friends. We all wanted to change the world together. I thought these girls were going to be my lifelong friends, and I thought we were going to change the world together.

I think it comes down to how people feel loved. Each person has their own specific love language, how they express love the best. There are five types: Acts of Service, Words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, and physical touch. I have a lot of friends who are in each category. Its important to try to learn your friend’s love language and give to them the best way you can.

That being said, I have had a lot of friends who are quality time friends. Friends that needed me to spend time with them. Usually a lot of time. I found myself getting in a lot of fights with a few of my friends over me spending too much time with my boyfriend rather than spending time with my them. I never understood it until I started reading “The Five Love Languages”. There was one particular girl who always “chased” after me I guess you can say after college. She would always call (I hated the phone) and facebook message me, but she was so good at keeping up with me. Yet I guess she just finally got tired of it, and now she isn’t going to my wedding.

So this is what I’m writing about. Seasonal friends and lifelong friends.

University friends – 4 years – off and on for summer and winter breaks

New Bern friends – 4 to 5 years during the summer and winter breaks

Janitor friends – after university until now

South Korean friends – Now

I had the best time with my university and New bern friends, we did things together: Bible studies, church, ministry and fund raising. I always thought I would be a missionary with these girls. They knew me through the hardest relationships of my life and we were always talking about Jesus and how we could change the world. We talked about who would be our bridesmaids and where we would go around the world. Yet, these surprisingly were my seasonal friends. Thank God I had them at the time, those were some fun and amazing times, but they were seasonal friends. I’m in Korea now, and they are back in America settling down. We are all going our separate ways.

Then there are my Janitor friends, the girls who I met trying to graduate college and working my butt off to get free schooling. We all had different personalities and got along so well. I am still really good friends with these girls, and I would consider them my best friends. But sometimes I worry if it will last. I would like to travel with them all around the world but I’m not sure if God has put it on them to do that. Maybe they were seasonal friends, friends I come home to. One of them is quality time, and its hard to keep up with her. She spends time with the friends who are closest in proximity to her, and I’m not one of them. The other friend has the love language of receiving gifts, probably the easiest love language of all! I hope these friends will become lifelong friends. I keep up with them all the time and I hope it stays that way.

When I first came to Korea I felt so lonely, I could talk to my friends back home when I needed them to tell them about all the dark times I was having and I could cry in their houses. It was so hard being alone for the first 6 months. I was depressed and there wasn’t anyone to help me. The other people here either were too strict of Christians to except me who I was or were party people that didn’t want to hear anything about Christ. It was so lonely.

Yet now God is opening up doors. He sent this girl who I knew from New Bern, we didn’t hang out a whole lot, she was a friend of a friend and we all had fun times together and talked about Christ. Now she is in South Korea its crazy. The sad thing is that she is 2 and a half hours away so its a little difficult to get to her. There is also another girl who is coming to live near me who was the girlfriend of my ex’s best friend. We both ended up without those guys and now she is coming to South Korea. Both of these girls were brought into my life for a reason and I’m so happy.

So, in conclusion, as hard as it seems sometimes, there are seasonal and lifelong friends. Unfortunately I have chosen a life where very few friends will be, so it will be much more difficult to make close, lifelong friends. Yet I am thankful for my seasonal friends. As a Christian I am thankful to have a lifelong friend in Jesus, that He will be there for me when my friends and family aren’t. He will be there for me forever, he will come to weddings, be in the bathroom with me when I’m crying, and travel around the world with me. I am overjoyed to have Him in my life to strengthen me, challenge me and encourage me.

So its ok to have seasonal friends!

What does Submission mean?

So I was reading today in 1 Peter 3:1 and it says “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, so that if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.”

I have been trying to read more in my Bible and ask myself questions about the passages. Its so strange but a lot of the passages that I read maybe two years ago and meant something specific to me than mean something different to me now. I always viewed this verse as following orders and rules like you follow orders and rules at a job. I hate rules in every aspect of my life other than a job. Its funny, Stephen always laughs at me because I rebelled against the rules my parents set up for me, I didn’t follow all the rules at Liberty and Bob Jones, and I don’t like “rules” that churches put on you as well. Yet at the job place I easily follow rules! Its funny. So naturally I had a hard time with this verse because I thought my husband would be like a parent, and thats not how marriage typically works, and if it does it could be abusive. I was thinking about it, and does this mean just to follow what rules your husband has for you? Because my marriage doesn’t have any rules on it. Stephen trusts me completely in the choices I make. We know each other’s deal breakers in marriage and keep each other accountable in them, yet I guess I am submissive to him. Am I?

Its an interesting passage, I see it in a different light now. I thought because Stephen and I are so different it meant I wasn’t submissive. He doesn’t put any rules on me at all except obviously the deal breakers that every marriage should have. So I find this passage comforting and encouraging. I guess I was just always afraid I was going to marry a man who acted like my parents in my life. Rules and regulations. I think I remember telling my mom something that once. I didn’t want to get married because I didn’t want anyone else telling me what to do. Haha. I guess God knew what a free bird I was and gave me a man who trusted me and saw my heart to want to change the world!

In any case, if its an consolation to any women out there that don’t like this verse like I did, take heart. Its not as bad as it seems!

Hope in Rejection

Hope in Rejection

In my last post I talked about how I feared being rejected by others. I hate the feeling of rejection. I hate having that strong weighing feeling that I just don’t measure up to others or to certain standards. I try so hard in life to do everything at my best, and when my best isn’t enough it crushes me. I was thinking about this because yesterday it came up not only with feelings that I was having but also some other feelings people I am around are having. One girl that I know desperately wants to get a job here. She is more than qualified, she has such an amazing spirit, and she wants to change the world. Yet she has been rejected by the university before by a stupid rumor. So she is afraid to put in her resume because she is afraid of rejection. Another girl in the same day told me in these exact words “I’m tired of being rejected.” She is by far one of the most amazing women I know, she has a published article in a new book that came out and a screenplay that has a producer in Hollywood and yet she still feels rejected. She has traveled all over the world and has this spunky beautiful personality. And yet she still feels rejected. Both of these women shared feelings of rejection with me in one day. Both amazing, beautiful women who can change the world.

It really opened my eyes. We are all afraid of rejection. We are all afraid, whether we admit it or not, of being rejected. Why is this? Why are we so afraid? Why does the feeling of rejection cause us to stop in our tracks and just lose hope? Why are we afraid of people?

Well there is hope. There will be rejection but with rejection comes pain, with pain comes growth. With growth comes an immense feeling of worth and satisfaction of life. So I have hope in rejection. I’m afraid of people’s judgement. I’m afraid of telling the truth. I’m afraid to write a book. I’m afraid. I’m afraid of rejection. Yet, I have hope in rejection. I need to step out and face the rejection and learn from it.

Put in that resume. Write that book and try to raise funds. Face rejection.

R.A.W

R.A.W

I know its been a really long time since I have written something here. To be completely honest I’ve been struggling a lot up until recently. The move to Korea was a big adjustment for me, a surprising adjustment. The country wasn’t at all I had expected, the culture is nearly opposite how I have lived my life thus far, and I have been struggling. I have no idea who is out there to read this. I used to post blog posts on facebook but I’m not anymore. So if someone happens to stumble upon this then I believe its meant to be. I think I have been hiding for too long. I have been acting for too long. I have been pretending for too long. I want to be real, I want to be free, I want to be alive and writing will help me do that.

So to start out, I’m telling you I want to be R.A.W. Yes, thats right raw, and the first picture I’m hoping that will come into your mind is a big, fat, piece of raw meat. Because that is how I want to live my life. I want to be real, exposed, vulnerable, and honest. I don’t want to hide, I don’t want to be afraid to ask questions, and I don’t want to follow the crowd. What’s my biggest fear? Rejection. Pain. Judgement. But if I don’t expose myself to these things how will I learn? How will I grow? I won’t.

This is the new beginning for me. Its a big jump. I’m not going to write about what people want to hear. I’m not going to write about what people should say. I’m going to write about whats real. I’m throwing myself out there, and I’m scared to death. There is a fear in me that only comes from the devil.

My entire life I have wanted to help people. I love people and I hate it when people hurt each other. I hate it when I hurt people and I hate it when people hurt me. I have gone through a lot of pain in my life, some brought on by myself and some forced upon me. I remember the intense feelings of rejection, judgement and abuse. I remember the lonely times when I felt like I was the only one. I was alone. Completely and utterly alone. Thousands of tears have left my eyes from countless painful situations. I remember these seasons of life as if they were yesterday. It was painful but I grew from them. Now, I believe that God has put me in a season of life where pain is abundant again. Yet in a very different set of circumstances. He is helping me through it, there is no one else who can help me like He can. I ran away from that idea for a really long time, but I have come  back to Him.  The story of my life is a very long story, too long to post in a blog, so just trust me when I tell you, its long.

The most important thing for me to do is to be real. So I am starting now, to be real. I believe because I have gone through so much pain in my life I have been made to help others through their pain. I hope and I pray that through my honesty someone can relate and will feel peace, hope and inspiration. There is a light you can turn on in your dark room, you just might not be able to find it yet. I will tell you my stories….

Bad or good teacher?

Something happened tonight that keeps me up late into the night. You could say work drama, it pretty much sums it up. Yet what has come into question is whether or not I’m a good teacher. Just the thought of someone questioning my integrity, someone even suggesting that I’m not telling the truth makes me feel terrible. The word terrible doesn’t even come close to how I do feel. Because others might question if I am a good teacher, I start to question if I am a good teacher and if I can really do this. I’m not the kind of teacher who gives answers to her students or plays games with them all the time. I don’t drink with my students and I don’t hang out with them. I go in and teach them English by going over grammar rules, having them speak in class and have them give oral presentations. No, am I not a bad teacher, I’m a good teacher by the grace of God. I do my job well and I live my life as truthfully and honestly as I can. I am staying up late tonight because there is someone who has questioned my authority and integrity without even giving me a chance. I had no chance to speak, no chance to defend myself and now a false reputation could start. All I know is that I stand before God and not others. God is my judge and that’s all I need. I never thought I would have enemies, but apparently I do. Now the lord will be my strength, He will be my guide and He will lead me beside still waters…

The 3 Musketeers!!

Follow Me.Why are you so afraid? Go!

I was reading in Matthew 8 where Jesus kept performing amazing miracles. He healed a man with leprosy, he healed a centurion’s servant, he heals Peter’s mother-in-law and he calms a storm while He and the disciples were on a boat.

As Christians we believe these things have happened. We believe that when He said “Be clean” to the man with leprosy that he was clean. We believe that when Jesus said to the centurion “I will go and heal him” that He actually healed his servant.

And yet we find it so incredible difficult that Jesus can make us “clean.” That He can “heal us.” What little faith we have when we go through storms in our lives! Always being stuck in the past, wishing we did this or wishing we did that. Wow…what little faith…what little faith….It makes me wonder what I would do if I all of a sudden I got leprosy, or if I were on a tiny boat and a storm came crashing waves over me. I have such little faith now, what would I do if bigger things happened to me? We need to realize the grace that He has given us and stop being selfish and foolish to say that our sins can’t be forgiven. Wow, this chapter stuck me straight to the heart. What little faith I have, what little hope I have, how selfish and foolish I really am!

“He took up our infirmities and carried our diseases” vs. 17

So often we walk around with a disease, even though He has already taken it. I almost want to carry it for Him, but the end result will just be death. He has my infirmities. He has my disease. I no longer have to live death but live life. Live the life He has so freely given me!

“Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead” vs 22

In Jesus we have life, but wow it is so easy to still fear death. Its foolish to be so afraid.

“You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” vs 26

“Go!” vs 32 – and the demon possessed man was no longer possessed.

When I read these verses I felt so inadequate. The more I read the Bible the more I know I don’t know. I start thinking, what if someone asks me a question that I’m not confident in answering? I know so very little about the Bible! But those verses are sticking in my head:

“Follow me” vs 22

“Why are you so afraid?” vs 26

“Go!” vs 32

This is what I must do, this is what you must do.

Paul said speaking to the church of Corinth:

“When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you, the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on men’s wisdom, but on God’s power.” I Cor. 2:1-5

What an AMAZING passage! I know that I will never be famous, I will not have a specific skill. I don’t have to know everything about the Bible to start sharing Him NOW! I don’t have to have big words or speaking gift. I am so encouraged that with the power of the Holy Spirit I can be used and so can you! Used not of this world, but used by God!

“No eye has seen

No ear has heard

No mind has conceived

What God has prepared for those who love Him….” vs 9

Change….

Life is amazing, even though it doesn’t always feel amazing. Life is exciting, even if you do the most boring activities. Korea makes me feel alive. Its not normal, at least for me. Its not boring, at least from what I have experienced. Everything is so different. Its not bad, just different. I used to get so nervous with Stephen’s driving, here the driving is nuts! Cars and taxis can run red lights if they don’t see anyone so I feel as though I’m going to get hit by a car/bus/taxi when I’m crossing a crosswalk. Motorcycles and scooters can ride on the road as well as the sidewalks so when I’m walking I feel as though I’m going to get hit by a motorcycle on the sidewalk! I’m not used to it yet, but everyone around me is! All the Koreans cross the road as if they are invincible! Taxi’s come to a screeching halt when they see them, and hopefully they do see them since they have tvs they watch in their vehicles! Yes, life is amazing to me here, and its far from boring. I find it easy to hide in my apartment, away from the craziness. Its so safe here, locked up in my house. Away from the crazy drivers and the Koreans who have no bubble whatsoever!

But it makes me marvel at how different cultures are. I was raised American, so coming to an Asian culture is different. Not bad, just different. The same would happen to a Korean if they came to America, they would feel uncomfortable because of the different environment. Not because it was bad, but that it was different. Do I miss America? Yes and no, I’m proud of my country in many ways, but I’m also embarrassed because of my country in many ways. There is no perfect country. There is no perfect government. There is no perfect food or way of life. That is why I love going to other countries, its fascinating. Every culture is different, and each nationalities is used to their own culture. The world is so different, and nothing is perfect. Yet God is perfect. He NEVER changes and He is my constant right now. I have a new husband, a new home, a new job dealing with a new country, new people, new coworkers, new friends, new food, basically new EVERYTHING and yet God is the same. He hasn’t changed in years and that gives me so much comfort. So today, as I hide in my comfortable little apartment with those things that are familiar to me I dwell on this. Everything around me is new, but God isn’t. He is constant, and I pray that that will never grow old to me…..