Monthly Archives: June 2013

Sunday Kickoff

So today I decided to sleep in and take it easy. I didn’t go to church and just was lazy. When I woke up though I found myself getting on facebook, checking my emails every two minutes, and watching random youtube videos. I tend to let myself get into these slumps that almost seem to be impossible for me to get out of. I look to people to make me feel better about myself. I search for words of affirmation from others in every area of my life and I get depressed when I don’t get it.

Last week I had decided to get out more often and it was great, Friday night I hung out with friends all night and Saturday I was busy all day. Then Sunday turned into my routine Friday where I get depressed and feel sorry for myself. So its noon on my Sunday and I am going to kickstart my Sunday and get off my butt and do something. This is my summer to shine and get out and do something!

All that I’m doing is feeling sorry for myself. I’m not basking in what Christ has given me. I’m not praising Him for all that He has blessed me with and saved me from. My list is a mile long with praises and yet here I am wondering what else is out there for me. Always searching for more and more pleasure and coming up short. I want to be more in love with Christ and the first thing I do in the morning look to Him instead of my facebook.

So here it is, last week it was goodbye Friday and hello Sunday, this week is Sunday kickoff to a better way of life.

To Do List

1. Laundry

2. Clean my house

3. Budget

4. Work out


Hump Day

It was a busy day at work today, I’m getting pretty stressed out. It has been very difficult to decide if I want to take this position at work or not. I am too busy and have too much on my plate. I get home and my house looks like a pig pen, I’m too tired to cook and I’m in need of a foot massage. Oh well….life has its up’s and down’s. I’m thankful to have a good meaningful job and a new car. I’m also debt free and with two healthy pet rabbits.

I may be a little lonely and not have another special person to come home to but at least I’m on the right track. 🙂


Goodbye Friday, Hello Sunday

ImageI have been in a slump as of late.  I found myself having this really awful feeling before every Friday when I would get off work. I realized that I was dreading Friday’s because they were so lonely for me. I fell into a depression where all I would do was sit at home, get on the computer after work and watch tv. I was wasting my life away and blaming it on work and how my season of life was so different than most of the people around me.

Slowly I started going back to church and each service for the last 4 weeks has really convicted me on so many levels. One of them being that I needed to try to go out and do something more with my spare time. Yes I do work hard and long hours but that doesn’t mean I should just lay around on the weekend. Sunday’s were wonderful because I felt recharged after the church service. I dreaded Friday’s but loved Sunday’s. So I decided to step out more this Friday. I took half a day off of work (for me this is pretty good since I tend to be a workaholic) and decided to buy a new car. I had been wanting a new car and looking for 3 months and just decided to get a car. It was such a great feeling to actually decide to “do” something instead of just let life hit you and take you where it was suppose to.

Yes its still hard and I’m sure I will slightly dread Friday’s but I’m going to start looking at Friday’s as the new Sunday’s in my life. First step it to choose. Next step is to do what you choose and step out. So this last Friday was my “hello Sunday”.

1. Choose

2. Do what you choose

 


From a Volunteer Coordinator Eyes….

 I have been working here at Gleaning for the World for almost a year and a half off and on. I started as a temp worker and then went to Thailand for about five months and just recently came back from my trip. I absolutely love my job, I love the high pace energy that it requires from me and the challenge of organizing and packing things appropriately. I love interacting with all of the volunteers and community service workers we have who come through these doors. It is a fantastic experience. Its amazing to know that what I touch and send out is literally saving lives all over the world.

 

Yet since I am such a perfectionist and such a task oriented person, sometimes I tend to forget the big picture. We send out “life-saving” supplies out all over the world. Top notch, state of the art, high quality items that even surgeons who have come through our doors have said “wow, you all are getting expensive high quality medical items through here”. Lately I personally have put the weight of the world on my shoulders about getting all this product out of the door as quickly and as efficiently as possible. I live it. I dream it. I do it. That is my day.

 

What is the big picture you might ask. Well the big picture comes down simply to people. We are created to be with people. We are helping people. Loving people. We are trying to get along with people.

 

When I look at the volunteers who come through these doors I automatically assess them on their ability to work. Can they stand? Can they see expiration dates? Can they organizes? Can they follow instruction? Do they ask questions? The list goes on and on.

 

Well last night I had a group of twenty or so volunteers who came through the door. I am greeting them and automatically knowing where I am putting each one to make our sort process with food as efficient as possible (if you know our food sorts you would understand what a feat this is). As they are signing into the volunteer log I overlooked two women standing in the corner. One was an older lady who could barely walk and the other was younger holding her arm. I just assumed they were in the group and were waiting for someone else so I get the group started. After about ten minutes one of my other volunteers realized that they were still standing there so she approached them.

 

My volunteer introduces them to me and said they were interested in volunteering.Immediately I assess them and think “band-aides” which is basically our go to sort and pack for older volunteers who need to sit down. I rated her ability to walk and hear immediately because I could tell the older lady was hard of hearing. I will be completely honest with my thoughts. I thought, “I am super busy, can’t you see that with all these people asking me questions and running around!” Then my volunteer (who happens to have the biggest heart of gold) told me that the older lady had lost her husband only 3 months ago and needed people to talk to and start volunteering. Immediately my heart sank and my tears welled up. I went from busy volunteer coordinator to a real human being that cared. I noticed something else about this small older woman. She was just barely standing and hard of hearing. Her eyes were sad but caring, her heart was heavy but willing. She smiled ever so slightly at me and I could tell she was searching to see if I cared.

The crazy thing is, this is the third time I am writing this and once again I am crying. That brief moment of talking to this woman put the entire world back into perspective for me. We are placed on this earth to love people and take the time for people. If we get too busy “doing things” then we miss the whole point of why we are doing it. God wants us to love and care for people to honor and glorify Him. He is our ultimate boss. He is our provider and sustainer. He is the one that we answer to. He is the one who controls all things.

 

I had forgotten how to love people, I have been so busy doing what I do well that I forgot to care.

 

Here at Gleaning for the World we send out life-saving supplies to help save lives. Yet the truth is, for each volunteer who comes through this door, you never know if they spiritually, emotionally or physically might need their life saved. For every community service worker who needs to get back on track, for the individuals in church groups who might be hurting deep inside, for the business groups who want to make a difference, the LCA students who want to do their part in changing the world, and for the little old lady who needs to get her mind off of losing her husband….I want to be there for them. I want to serve them because I want to serve God. I want to love like He has loved. I want to share like He has shared His own blood for me. I am here to help. I am here to learn. I am here to love.

 

Instead of looking at volunteers as packers and shippers I want to look at them as people….anywhere from that young youth group teen wanting to text on their cell phone to the old lady standing in the corner…..


Wake up Call

Tonight with my group of 20 volunteers I noticed a little old lady standing in the corner of the warehouse, she had come in with the group so I had assumed she was with them. Yet once I noticed she didn’t start working with everyone I knew she wasn’t a part of their group. She had just come in because she needed someone to talk to. Her husband had passed away 3 months ago and she wanted to get involved to keep her mind off of losing him. My eyes are welling up with tears as I write this. I get so consumed with product being properly sorted and sent out on a timely basis that I almost forgot was important. People. People are important and no matter how busy I get I need to put them first. If she didn’t come in and tell me what she had needed I wouldn’t have taken the time to listen. If you read this please take the time to say a prayer for this sweet old lady who came in tonight. Her eyes were sad and her heart was heavy. She is missing the love of her life of 50 plus years….

 

This was my facebook status but I thought I would elaborate on it more. I think tonight was a big wake up call for me. The look in this little old lady’s eyes made me realize how short life really is and how I’m wasting it on so much. She misses the love of her life and I don’t have one. The one love that I thought would be with me until I died was nothing but a lying cheater who can’t stay faithful to me no matter how hard he tries. I’m crying streams of tears right now. My heart is just breaking. She was really old, sweet face and smile and needed help going to the door. She is reaching out and I almost overlooked her.

In my mind I thought, wow she is old and I can’t really use her here at Gleaning for the World. She would just be in my way. How selfish it was for me to think that, I almost forgot that not only do I need to be there to help get life saving product out of the warehouse but I need to be helping those who need life saving here. This little old lady reached out and I almost let her fall.

Lesson for me to be learned. I need to focus more on people and not things. I want to be here to help. I want to be here to learn. I want to be here to Love.

I am here to help. I am here to learn. I am here to love.

“Lord, send me to do Your will and help me to not be focused on the will of men but to focus on the will of You.”


Late Night Rantings

Lately I have found myself over-analyzing and becoming extremely emotional and lonely at night on the weekends. I am busy during the week with work and trying to keep my head on straight. As soon as the weekend comes along though its hard for me. I want to be with someone who knows me intimately, knows my quirks and accepts them as they are. I want someone who can challenge me yet not judge me. All of my friends now are scattered around the world and I know my place is here. I am in a very different season of life than most Christian women my age and that makes me feel vulnerable. I want to be intimate with someone who will not hurt me. I want to touch someone and make love to them without consequence. Is this possible now? Will I be allowed to do this again in my life?

Or is God forming me and molding me to live a life alone and only with Him. I don’t know but I need to be open to it. I need to move on from my mistakes and try to get up out of the pit I find myself in. I fear getting to know people outside of work. I have so many walls up.

The people I do open up to are not appropriate for me to be vulnerable to and yet I do it anyway. I have no idea why I lean in that direction. Late nights are always the hardest for me. I want to cuddle and yet I don’t want commitment. I want to be understood but yet I don’t want to understand. I’m being selfish. I know that is what it is. I want a foot rub and love without having to give it back. In the last four years of my life I have spent trying to fix something that was beyond fixing. Now that it’s over I just want to be the one to be fixed and taken care of. I want to be the one who is watched over and protected.

Again, selfishness occurs. I just need to rise out of the pit and follow on the path that is set before me. I may be trippin on rubble but at least I won’t be falling off the mountain again…..


New Begining

It has been a long time since I have sat down to update this blog. So much has happened in this past year its hard to even think about how I can catch everyone up. Life has completely thrown me out to the wolves with little preparation. I have been through a roller coaster of emotions and through a sea of nightmares. I wish I could write and say everything has been fairy tales in my life but it hasn’t….but whose life really is a fairy tale? We wish and hope for it and are disappointed when it doesn’t come true.

It’s ok though….life moves on…and hopefully we move with it…

I have been stuck in the last four years of my life trying to figure out who I was and why I was in such a dead spot in my life. I had lost my identity and I’m now trying to regain it. Unfortunately, I tend to learn lessons the hard way because of my pride and stubbornness. I am farther than where I was before…but not nearly where I want to be.

It’s like I have awoken from a dream and my eyes are still puffy and swollen….and the room is dark. I feel groggy and lost…

but….at least I’m awake….