So its one of those nights where you can’t sleep because of a million thoughts going through your head and a thousand feelings hitting you all at once.
Its a night where no one answers your texts as you desperately reach out for human affection.
A night where you just want to be held and know that everything will be ok.
Tears are slowly creeping down my cheek as I wonder if I will ever be loved again or be able to love again. Darkness has crept into my life and left a seemingly impossible stain that refuses to be removed.
I want to be held. I want to be appreciated. I want to be loved.
In so many ways my life is such a success but I can’t seem to find that one person who is willing to share in it with me. I jump in too soon, I cover up my desire for intimacy with carnal lusts. I want to love again and be loved yet not be shit on again.
I don’t regret my past and what the Lord had desired me to go through. I’m just lonely right now and I know that God wants me to seek His face and His intimacy. I know He wants me to rely on Him for my needs and to follow after Him.
Though I would love for my feet to be rubbed right now and my heart to be filled with words of affirmation from a man I respect and admire, I know that now is not that time.
I know appropriate boundaries need to be put in place. I know confessions need to happen. I know focus needs to be centered.
For those who I texted tonight….thank you for not answering for my soul, body and mind might have been saved. My mind will slow down and my heart will find rest in peace.
Tomorrow is a new day and a new start. I will follow what He has laid out before me. I will accomplish much in life. I will do great things for Christ with His power in me.
So 2:30am….you have not won tonight…